Findings 2 | Mediated Grief

 I was standing at the crosswalk a few days ago when a colleague told me that another colleague's child had died. All I could think was, "They have a long road ahead." I may have uttered those words aloud, but I was really talking to myself. 

This morning, while searching my phone for something completely unrelated, I found some notes to self from the beginning of this long road. I wrote this note before starting this blog. Looking back at it, I feel some irony because this past Easter was a transformative one where I felt deep despair like I had the days immediately following Evan's death, and I felt the same immense joy that bubbled up at Evan's funeral when I looked at his friends and family and realized the legacy of love he had left. 

Mediated Grief: My Morning Ritual

written on the day between Good Friday and Easter 2019


  • unchecked

    Wake up

  • unchecked

    Grab phone

  • unchecked

    Look for Facebook memory of Ev

  • unchecked

    Stare at photo. Try to remember everything about that day

  • unchecked

    Cry real tears. Or just feel my busted heart. Or revel in him. Or allow myself to feel my arms around him

  • unchecked

    Optional: show pic to husband

  • unchecked

    My alarm goes off: Life's Good preprogrammed jingle.

  • unchecked

    Hit snooze

  • unchecked

    Stay in bed looking at pic

  • unchecked

    Download pic to phone

  • unchecked

    Stare some more

  • unchecked

    Internal debate 1. Share or not share. It's been 9 months. People probably have written me off as forever crazy or damaged. Don't add to that narrative by posting yet another pic.

  • unchecked

    Yes, I'll share it

  • unchecked

    Internal debate 2. Post now or later. It'll make somebody sad first thing in the morning. Post later in the day. I remember what Yetunde said about waking up to that sadness.

  • unchecked

    I'll post now

  • unchecked

    Scott's alarm: Bach Cello Suite #1. He gets up

  • unchecked

    Internal debate 3 Share to news feed or story. Only the very interested will look at the story. Or maybe they are the least interested? Do I want this to stay on my wall for my grand kids to see or just let it pass by again? How many people do I want to know that I am crying about Evan again. The 30 who will glance at the story. Or the 127 who will heart, thumbs up, sad face the post.

  • unchecked

    Share to newsfeed AND story

  • unchecked

    Internal debate 4 Do I post a message with it? Light hearted or sad? Short or long? Filter or no filter.

  • unchecked

    Just leave it

  • unchecked

    No, click one red heart

  • unchecked

    Press Share

  • unchecked

    My alarm goes off again. Life's Good

  • unchecked

    I get out of bed.

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