Findings 2 | Mediated Grief
I was standing at the crosswalk a few days ago when a colleague told me that another colleague's child had died. All I could think was, "They have a long road ahead." I may have uttered those words aloud, but I was really talking to myself.
This morning, while searching my phone for something completely unrelated, I found some notes to self from the beginning of this long road. I wrote this note before starting this blog. Looking back at it, I feel some irony because this past Easter was a transformative one where I felt deep despair like I had the days immediately following Evan's death, and I felt the same immense joy that bubbled up at Evan's funeral when I looked at his friends and family and realized the legacy of love he had left.
Mediated Grief: My Morning Ritual
written on the day between Good Friday and Easter 2019
Wake up
Grab phone
Look for Facebook memory of Ev
Stare at photo. Try to remember everything about that day
Cry real tears. Or just feel my busted heart. Or revel in him. Or allow myself to feel my arms around him
Optional: show pic to husband
My alarm goes off: Life's Good preprogrammed jingle.
Hit snooze
Stay in bed looking at pic
Download pic to phone
Stare some more
Internal debate 1. Share or not share. It's been 9 months. People probably have written me off as forever crazy or damaged. Don't add to that narrative by posting yet another pic.
Yes, I'll share it
Internal debate 2. Post now or later. It'll make somebody sad first thing in the morning. Post later in the day. I remember what Yetunde said about waking up to that sadness.
I'll post now
Scott's alarm: Bach Cello Suite #1. He gets up
Internal debate 3 Share to news feed or story. Only the very interested will look at the story. Or maybe they are the least interested? Do I want this to stay on my wall for my grand kids to see or just let it pass by again? How many people do I want to know that I am crying about Evan again. The 30 who will glance at the story. Or the 127 who will heart, thumbs up, sad face the post.
Share to newsfeed AND story
Internal debate 4 Do I post a message with it? Light hearted or sad? Short or long? Filter or no filter.
Just leave it
No, click one red heart
Press Share
My alarm goes off again. Life's Good
I get out of bed.
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