Findings 3 | Everything Matters
Written in my phone June 24, 2019
Everything Matters
Before church this morning I played this excerpt from Meatballs. The one where Bill Murray gets the kids on his losing team to chant, "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!" I laughed my head off, then started talking to Scott about how in the grand scheme of things we are all going to die so truly nothing matters. The winning, the losing. All our stuff. The bills. The diplomas. Really, nothing matters.
Aurora heard my comment as she was walking down the steps. She rounded the corner and asked, Mom, are you having an existential crisis? I said, No. But I was thinking, Yes.
If I'm honest, that trope has been playing off and on in my mind for months. All year. It started right after Evan died. What matters? Nothing. Sometimes I'd get respite from the question. Like when I watched Aretha's funeral and the Clark Sisters sang, "Is My Living in Vain? No, of course not. Cause up the road is eternal gain."
But the question creeps back. I just don't say it out loud. Does any of this matter? Especially if I believe eternal gain is just up the road a bit.
I don't ask the question out loud because people may think I'm crazy or I've lost my mind. Or I'm irreparably damaged from losing Evan. "She used to be so positive and full of energy...Poor thing.. But now...look at her...who could blame her though. I don't know what I'd do. It is amazing she is even standing."
Oops, the kid overheard from around the corner and said, "Mom, are you having some kind of existential crisis?" I laugh some more and say, "No." But I'm thinking, Yes.
Well, I get to church and Laura Buffington says a whole bunch of words--cool words in a nice order--but the main words that really got me basically said that because of death and final grace EVERYTHING MATTERS. Grace should be animating life. Geesh. Really, Laura. Really?
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